Need any help?

     This afternoon, I was walking back to the studio from grabbing a couple of snacks. The side of the street I was on has a huge lot of newly built homes set way back from the street. Closer to the street, the lot is mostly rubble and could be another section of the development waiting to happen. Towards the northern end of the lot, there was a guy dumpster diving, pulling stuff out of the construction dumpster and loading up his pick-up truck. He saw me as I was about to pass and, out of the blue, said that he’d just pulled a chunk of an I-beam out from the bottom of the container. I looked over and could see it resting on the far top corner of the dumpster. He was carrying a long pipe in one hand and something else in the other as he worked his way through the fence opening.

    I asked if he needed help and he said, “Nah, I’m alright, did three tours in Iraq”.  I started walking away and said back to him, “That’s great, but it doesn’t mean you won’t need help” and thanked him for his service. My ‘help’ comment was meant to hopefully spark the thought in his mind that accepting help was ok. This was a little presumptuous on my part, I'm aware of that, but his retort about his tours of duty in Iraq brought to mind all of the times I’ve heard men say something similar before going on to  struggle with whatever task was at hand. There are so many reasons why people might reject help, and to each their own. I was just struck by this man's Iraq comment because I've heard that sentiment many times over the years. 

    His comment seemed to be another perfect example of how men appear to be hard-wired to not accept help. A lot of this may be centered in pride and ego, wanting to project strength and individualism. Now, he may or may not have had a problem getting that piece of I-beam to his truck, but his comment about Iraq appeared to me to be a kind of defense mechanism. I’ve heard guys say things like this all of my life. Even going back to childhood, there was always a man around, perhaps struggling to carry something or do some difficult task who turns down help by saying something about some past or present personal achievement of strength or endurance, usually followed by, “If I could handle that, I can do this (alone), too”. My dad was the same way, even as he was breathless and struggling to finish up whatever he was working on. And that’s great! If you can still call on your reserves of individual strength, that’s fine. Although, to me, this mindset  seems like a self-imposed barrier to appearing to be vulnerable and needing help which translates to “weak” for so many men. 

I’m no stranger to this way of thinking. As an only child, I always felt that I had to do for myself before getting anyone else involved. Not in the sense of being afraid of needing help, but because of my upbringing with alcoholic parents. I often felt the need to take care of a lot of things alone, not having the security of knowing that there was someone there to help me in whatever way(s) I needed. This has affected how I process situations where I might need assistance as an adult. Many times, I don’t even know the right questions to ask and have to sit with that discomfort and figure out exactly what it is that I’m after by asking for help. I’m working on it, as with a lot of things. As for the guy and his piece of I-beam, I hope he managed to get it to his truck or was ok with leaving it. 

TM